Now accepting applications for a new boyfriend: This is an exciting opportunity to spend time with a energetic, positive, attractive, stimulating, intelligent, domesticated divorced woman of class. This is a highly competitive but well-compensated position, so please take the time to prepare your cover letter wisely.
Job Description: There will be some heavy lifting and the occasional overnight and/or weekend shifts. Duties include asking me how my day was, then actually listen to the answer; providing affection; fixing things within 24-hours of discovering they are broken; changing light bulbs; killing bugs; kissing my finger when it gets an ouchie; washing my car, regularly; rubbing my feet and various other body parts not because I ask but because you want to; taking me dancing; getting the door for me; putting your arm around me when you introduce me to your friends and family.
Minimum Qualifications: Must be ethical; must have good manners; must not swear at me, ever; ability to build shelves and fix things a plus; must be reliable and show initiative; must be punctual; must be chivalrous; must know how to stay out of my kitchen when I am cooking; must think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread; must not have any communicable diseases; must not have any felony convictions, nor any outstanding warrants; college education required, advance degree preferred.
Benefits Package: fun, laughter, witty rapport; well-versed hot chick available on demand to impress your colleagues (without having to worry about being embarrassed) and make your homeboys jealous (while remaining loyal to you); freedom to be your own man without someone trying to change you; full-service man-cave stocked with all-you-can-eat sandwiches, wings, drinks, and no interruptions when it's 3rd and goal in the 4th quarter; home-cooked hot meals, often prepared wearing nothing but heels and an apron; lovin` like oh baby you just don't know! Benefits offered after 90-day probationary period.
Please dress for success! I prefer a man with a great smile and positive energy who doesn't own any suits the colors of Skittles. While I am an equal opportunity employer, please bring your A-game because I'm a stringent screener. The most qualified applicants will be contacted for an interview. LOL
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